Words by Wendy Miller

I’ve been friends with someone for around 20 years. There was a time when I would have called this person my best friend — I told them things that I didn’t share with everyone. Then we started growing apart a bit. Then we grew apart a lot.

I’ve reached out several times over the last year or so, with little response from the other person. It saddens me a bit to think of what our friendship once was and what it is today, but I’ve also come to accept that I can’t keep the relationship alive entirely on my own. So although I haven’t closed the door on the friendship, I have stopped standing there holding it open. It’s cracked, and if they want to step through, they’re welcome.

Your friendship might not be a 20-year relationship. It might be just a couple of years, or it might be 30 years. Whatever the case, when you realize that a relationship has faded a bit, you might want to revive it. You might realize you miss the person’s company, their conversation, or their advice.

There are never any guarantees, but there are a few things you can do that might help bring an old friendship back to life.

BE HONEST ABOUT THE STATE OF THE FRIENDSHIP

The first step to reviving a friendship is being honest with yourself about its current status. Acknowledging that you are not close with this person anymore, that you haven’t spoken in months or years, gives you a better idea where you need to start.

It’s also important to be honest about how you ended up here. Did you have an argument or disagreement? Did something else happen that might have made things awkward or uncomfortable between you? Is there something that one or both of you needs to apologize for or otherwise address?

Sometimes this honesty ends in the realization that you don’t want to, or can’t, revive the friendship. It’s important to realize that’s okay too.

REALIZE IT’S A TWO-WAY STREET

Once you’ve explored why the friendship is where it is and decided you want to revive it, the next thing is to understand is it’s a two-way street. You want to revive the friendship, but do they?

Of course, reaching out to say, “Do you still want to be my friend?” can feel awkward and strange. And if there was no defining moment that caused you to grow distant, if you just slowly drifted apart, it may surprise your friend and create a problem that wasn’t there to begin with.

So what do you do? You reach out. Call. Send a text. Write an email.

Then wait and see what happens.

It’s a two-way street. You can’t revive the friendship entirely on your own. If you reach out, and they don’t reach back, there’s not much you can do about that. Accept that you tried, the attempt wasn’t reciprocated, and let it go.

COMMIT TO THE FRIENDSHIP

If you reach out and your friend reaches back, that’s great! Now you both need to commit to the friendship. In some ways, this can look a lot like committing to a romantic relationship.

You need to commit to make time to talk to your friend, to spend time with your friend. It’s more than simply saying you should get together, it’s setting a time and place. It’s more than promising to call, it’s putting it on your schedule so you follow through.

Recognize milestones in their life: birthdays, anniversaries, getting a promotion or starting a business. If they tell you they’re going through a divorce or some other significant loss, offer support in whatever ways you’re able.

MAKE IT PERSONAL

Social media has made it very easy to keep in touch. You don’t even need to go to a high school reunion anymore; just look on social media and you’ll know how everyone from your best friend to biggest bully is doing today. But social media has also made communication rather impersonal.

Make it personal if you really want to revive this friendship. Go beyond sending Facebook messages, or even texting. Call them. Get together for drinks or dinner. Even writing an email is more personal.

If you and your friend live far apart, try making it more personal with video chats. Grab a glass of wine and a video chat can be almost as good as being together in person.

You can also make it personal by sharing memories of your friendship from the past. An old photo can spark memories. Asking “Do you remember when…” can bring back laughter-filled memories for both of you.

CREATE NEW MEMORIES

Shared experiences are part of what cements a friendship. When you’re trying to revive a fading friendship, making new memories together is important.

Have dinner or drinks together, but also have other experiences. Spend a day at the beach, go to local museums, attend concerts or local festivals. Spend a Saturday morning at the farmer’s market. Invite them over for a movie and snacks, or to binge watch a new (or old) favorite on Netflix.

Try new things or relive some old memories by doing things you’ve done together in the past.

Don’t just do a bunch of one-time activities, either. Create some rituals together. Maybe you start getting together for brunch every Sunday morning, or planning a weekend getaway once or twice a year. By having a consistent ritual or even planning a future event, you give yourselves more concrete reasons to stay in touch instead of abstract ones.

Some friendships are lifelong, regardless of distance or circumstances. Some friendships are meant to turn into nothing more than an acquaintanceship. Others are destined to shrivel up and die, no matter how much effort you put into them. The key is in knowing which category your friendship falls into and knowing when to work at it and when to let it go.

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